Chuganooga

The Super Bowl is about a lot more than the Super Bowl. More than anything, it's about drinking.

UPDATED – 2-7-11: The Packers beat the Steelers. Bookmark this post for next year.

The Super Bowl – the media tells us that it’s the biggest sports contest of the year, an event featuring the best athletes in the world in a battle of wills to the death, winner take all.

But with a pre-game show starting shortly after church that includes untold hours of celebrity worship, reminiscences, cooking, product placements and quite a bit of non-football related material, let’s be honest: watching the Super Bowl is only about football inasmuch as attending a public school is about learning. That is, tangentially.

The Super Bowl is really about is organized drinking, if it’s about anything.

Whether it takes place in a bar, in a house or on the tailgate of Ricky Bobby’s Ford F-150, adults young and old will gather together, let bygones be bygones, and watch a bunch of armor-wearing neanderthals hit the bejeezus out of each other for a few hours.

In nearly every case, this will be accompanied by an orgy of adult-beverage consumption, the likes of which the world will not see again until St. Patrick’s day.

So what’s the proper procedure? What’s appropriate to drink, and what’s inappropriate? How much should you drink? Is your house appropriate to host a party? If so, how much alcohol will you need to buy?

What to drink?

To decide what to drink, you must first decide what type of gathering you will be attending. A bunch of rednecks standing around in the woods with a satellite and a black and white television will differ substantially from a cocktail party in a North Shore penthouse.

For a backwoods brouhaha, moonshine and whiskey are the preferred types of alcohol. The ease with which one can obtain these substances, their low cost and wide acceptance in rural areas are contributing factors to their enduring popularity.

At a bar, look to see what the Super Bowl drink specials are. You could desire a $3 Coors Light, but if Applebees is offering $1 Pabst Blue Ribbon drafts, you may want to give PBR a second look. Likewise, if you plan on drinking liquor at your favorite bar, think again: Liquor is almost always more expensive than beer, and for the length of time you’re going to be seated on that bar stool, you may want to pace yourself unless you plan on running down to the local SunTrust to take out a loan.

Plus, you don’t want to miss the Super Bowl due to throwing up all over the pretty girl next to you, because you’d thought it’d be a good idea to chug Jack Daniels instead of Bud Light like the rest of your friends.

At a house party, there are a number of factors that should determine your choice of alcohol. Will your boss be there? Your girlfriend/wife? A parent or other relative?

If so, match the party’s host, drink for drink. A party’s host will rarely get so falling down drunk that they lose control of the party, leaving their expensive electronics and designer rugs at the mercy of their inebriated guests. It logically follows that if you wish to retain your upstanding reputation in front of your wife/boss/parent, you too will want to keep your intake at a manageable level.

If, on the other hand, you’ve been promised a couch to crash on for the night and there’s no one there you need to impress, then drink away, my friend.

Whether it’s beer, liquor, wine or even rubbing alcohol, you’re good to go – provided you don’t make a mess or touch someone somewhere you shouldn’t.

What’s the proper procedure?

Manly drinks are the name of the game. Domestic beers trump imports, bourbon trumps vodka, you get the picture.

While you may be tempted to try one of those tasty girly drinks with an umbrella sticking out and a strawberry perched on the side, leave that Zima in the fridge, friend. This is not the time to get in touch with your feminine side, leave that to the on-field Fox reporters.

Should you talk during the game? Yes and no. Cheering, guttural noises, and concise predictions and commentary are acceptable during the on-field action. Unrelated questions or complaints are not. Respect the game.

On the other hand, talking during commercial breaks is encouraged, but only if the commercial is a repeat. Commercials are a large part of the Super Bowl, and are often more entertaining than the on-field action.

So if there’s a new commercial that everyone is watching intently, hold your question about where to find the tonic water until afterwards.

A good rule of thumb is, if you think you could interrupting, you are. Take it to another room, or save it for later.

If you don’t think you’re interrupting or if you think you have something important to contribute, first check your gender and familiarity with the game of football.

Now, what if you don’t like football? Perhaps you have more European sensibilities, and you prefer rugby or cricket.

Here’s a tip: keep it to yourself. You’ll lose major points, even with people you thought were your friends, if you express a disinterest in the task at hand.

It is preferable to cheer for home runs or goals, ask why the players spend so much time sitting around doing nothing, or simply remain silent, rather than criticize America’s sport.

How much should I drink?

As much as you can comfortably hold while still retaining the ability to drive or walk back home when the host kicks you out or the bar closes. If you have a ride, avoid getting so incredibly wasted that you manage to offend the person tasked with driving you back home.

Also, avoid losing control to the extent that you destroy something valuable in the bar or home, or offend a wife, boss or relative.

The key is knowing your limits. Some people can drink a case of beer, sober up for an hour then drive home. But for most people, if you tried that you’d end up in jail just as sure as the New Orleans Saints will be terrible next season.

For most people, a maintenance buzz strategy will suffice. Drink several drinks in quick succession at the beginning of the party until you reach your desired level of inebriation.

Thereafter, simply sip on a beer or other drink with low-alcohol content in order to maintain your buzz.

Just remember: if you get too crazy, and you’ll lose friends, end up in jail or both.

Should I host a party at my house?

If you have to ask, no.

To host a Super Bowl party, you’ve got to bring the swank.

At minimum, you should have a 50-inchHD TV with surround sound, plenty of comfortable seating, a well-stocked fridge, a good knowledge of bartending, ample parking, a convenient location, a love of of football and no fear of having anything in your home completely destroyed.

Either that or rent a storage garage and move everything into it that you care about.

Other pluses include an outdoor patio or porch, a fire pit, extra bedrooms, plenty of bathrooms and hardwood floors.

Remember, a lot of people in a celebratory mood are going to be consuming a mind-altering substance in your fortress of solitude.

Summary

To sum up, Super Bowl etiquette is pretty simple: Watch the way people behave in Bud Light commercials, and do likewise.

You can’t go wrong with a bunch of chest-thumping, testosterone infused behavior when watching a sport featuring a bunch of chest-thumping, testosterone infused players obsessed with moving a funny-looking ball across a painted stripe.

Enjoy the game and embrace the culture.