Chuganooga

 

The gym is one place you should never, ever drink, unless you are sneaky.

It would be nice if we lived in an enlightened society that allowed open alcohol consumption at McDonalds, in state parks, at NCAA football games and in government buildings, among other places.

But taxpaying citizens who want to sip on a 40 oz Icehouse while waiting in line for stamps at the Post Office are out of luck.

There must be a way for freedom-loving Americans to enjoy a beverage of their choice in a way that harms no one.

Unlike Rosa Parks, who when asked to surrender her bus seat, took a stand for equality and remained in her seat, I recommend being stealthy rather than steely.

Be sneaky, not snarky. Be cool, not confrontational. Keep a low profile, don’t raise your voice against authority.

The reasons for this approach are many.

Unlike the protests in Egypt, your cause doesn’t have the backing of the ivory tower intellectuals, nor the bleeding heart politicians. You don’t have the support of the middle or upper class, and most of the lower class is against you too.

The nanny state is convinced that you’re not fit to make your own decisions, and who knows, maybe its right. They’ve already tried to outlaw violent music, communist movies, most video games and any other type of entertainment where people appear to be having a little too much fun.

Now, you’re surely already aware of the I’m-an-alcoholic metal flasks that some true believers carry about. These are fine, if you want to discreetly sip small amounts of body-temperature booze throughout the morning.

But admit it, what pops into your head when somebody you know whips out a flask?

“Oh boy, guess I’ll be scraping them off the floor here in an hour and apologizing for their behavior for the remainder of the evening,” you say to yourself. “May as well take them straight to jail right now, since that’s where they’ll almost certainly end up.”

Not so fast there, judgemental Joe. While it’s true that none save the most dedicated alcoholics use flasks, they do have their time and place. Weddings, funerals, Baptist gatherings and children’s birthday parties are all wonderful places to take a flask.

But the flask is mainly an invention meant to cope with social awkwardness, not legal trouble. For places where it’s flat out against the rules, you’ll have to be more clever.

There are several solutions to the problem of what to drink while waiting in line for stamps.

1. Those fancy energy drinks that are secretly filled with life-threatening amounts of alcohol – only police officers will know what to look for, so as long as the area is cop free and you’re discreet, you’ll be fine.

2. A coffee thermos – ensure that it’s obviously from someplace fancy, like say Starbucks, and no one will look at you twice. Fill with whatever your heart desires, but stand well away from others.

3. A cup from Taco Bell, Burger King, etc. – For obvious reasons, people will assume that your icy beverage is filled with coke, not Jack and coke.

4. A back-mounted hydration system – Coming with various camel-themed brand names, these devices allow you to cope with thirst on the go. But remember, whatever you put in there will be the same temperature as your body, so plan accordingly. If it tastes gross when its cold, it’s going to be really gross when it’s 98.6 degrees.

5. Not a Dixie cup – truthfully, almost any alcohol container not immediately recognizable as such will suffice, provided you don’t immediately start giggling and falling over the moment the booze touches your lips.

6. If you’re female, a fake pregnancy and enlarged breast kit filled with a yummy drink of your choice is available, if you don’t mind literally wearing your alcohol under your clothes. As long as your mom isn’t there, that is.

7. Other clever devices – There’s no limit to human ingenuity. New products appear every day, so be on the lookout.

Just ask David Copperfield, the man who fooled an entire TV audience into believing that he made the Statue of Liberty disappear: It’s all about what you want people to believe, so act and behave accordingly.

PS: From a legal standpoint, I have to encourage you to obey the laws in your community, no matter how dumb, shortsighted and old-fashioned they may appear.

More ideas here

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